Why forcing doesn’t work — and how your breath can help you drop back down
You’re lying in bed. Still. Dark.
You’ve already tried three breathing exercises, listened to a meditation, sprayed lavender on your pillow. And still: you’re awake.
Frustration starts to bubble up. Why isn’t it working? Why can’t you fall asleep, even though you’re trying so hard?
Maybe that’s exactly the problem.
Sleep is not an achievement. You can’t force it — just like you can’t force rest.
But that’s often what we try to do. We want to sleep now, relax now, drop into calm now. And meanwhile, your body senses the urgency. Your nervous system thinks: “Something’s still going on.”
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🧠 Feel first, then breathe
Many people use breathing exercises as a quick trick to fall asleep.
And sometimes, they work. But if your nervous system is still stuck in stress mode, those exercises can actually backfire.
According to Dr. Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory, your autonomic nervous system has roughly three states:
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🟢 Ventral vagal state – you feel safe, connected, calm. This is where sleep happens.
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🟠 Sympathetic activation – you feel tense, alert, anxious.
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🔵 Dorsal vagal state – you feel exhausted, shut down, numb.
You can only begin to drop into sleep if your nervous system starts moving toward that green, calm zone. And that doesn’t start with “doing” — it starts with feeling.
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🤲 Meet yourself where you are at
True relaxation begins with meeting —
Not with an app. Not with a technique. But with the question:
👉 Where am I right now?
👉 What do I feel in my body?
👉 What is asking for my attention?
If you skip over those signals with a “quick fix,” your body disconnects even further from rest. Your nervous system doesn’t want to be controlled — it wants to feel safe.
And safety doesn’t come from pressure, but from softness.
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😮💨 The paradox of relaxation
Relaxation doesn’t come when you try to force it. It’s not an action, but a byproduct of surrender.
If you use breathing exercises with the thought, “this has to work now,”
your body stays in a state of alertness. Your system feels the control.
You can actually become stressed by a relaxation technique — if it’s driven by frustration.
So what does help?
Presence. Allowing yourself to feel what is.
That’s the entry point.
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🌙 Practice: Drop in through the breath
This exercise is not a “solution” for sleep.
It’s an invitation to meet yourself in this moment.
From that presence, your system may begin to soften.
Not because it must — but because it can.
🌿 Step 1: Feel
Lie down. Let your body arrive. Ask yourself:
• Where do I feel tension?
• How am I breathing — fast, shallow, deep?
• What’s happening in my belly, chest, jaw?
Gently name what you feel:
“I feel restless.” “I notice pressure in my chest.”
No judgment, no goal — just acknowledgment.
🌿 Step 2: Soften
Place a hand on your belly or over your heart.
Inhale slowly through your nose (4 counts), pause briefly, and exhale gently through your mouth (6–8 counts).
Let the exhale feel like a sigh.
Repeat a few times. Optionally with a word like: calm, soft, okay.
🌿 Step 3: Sink
Now let go of counting.
Feel your body become heavier.
Let your breath come and go naturally.
Notice your thoughts — and return to your body.
Feeling restless again? Simply return to step 1 or 2.
Remind yourself: “I don’t have to fix anything. I’m here. And that’s enough.”
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🌌 What if you stopped trying to sleep?
What if you let go of the idea that you must fall asleep now?
What if all you had to do was be here — exactly as you are?
Sometimes, sleep only comes when you stop searching for it.
When you let go. When you soften.
When you say: “Yes, I’m tired. Yes, I feel restless. And that’s okay.”
Maybe that’s the doorway in.
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🫶 Lastly: sleep is not a task
Sleep is not a duty.
It’s a result of safety, of gentleness, of coming home to yourself.
Don’t start with “doing.”
Start with feeling.
Meet yourself where you are at. That’s where everything begins.