Together & Alone: How Co- and Self-Regulation Calm Your Stress by Anja Hindrikx

Together & Alone: How Co- and Self-Regulation Calm Your Stress by Anja Hindrikx

Stress is part of life. But sometimes it feels like our nervous system is switched “on” all the time. Luckily, we have two powerful tools that help us return to calm: co-regulation and self-regulation.
In this article, you’ll discover what they mean, how they work, and how you can start using them right away.

Do you recognize this?

You meet someone and immediately feel calm. Their voice, their smile, their presence – it does something to you. And sometimes the opposite happens: you suddenly feel tense, even without a word being spoken.
That’s no coincidence. Our nervous system is constantly attuned to others. This process is called co-regulation.

Why our nervous system is so sensitive

Our nervous system is built for survival. In prehistoric times, it was crucial to sense: am I safe here, or is there danger?

We still do this through subtle signals:

  • the tone of someone’s voice
  • the look in their eyes
  • their body posture

Your body reacts faster than your mind. You instinctively sense whether you can relax or need to stay alert.

The polyvagal theory in brief

American neurologist Stephen Porges explained this with the polyvagal theory. According to him, our nervous system constantly switches between three basic states:

  • Safe and connected – you feel calm, social, and open.
  • Active (fight or flight) – your body produces adrenaline to perform or escape.
  • Freeze / shut down – in overwhelming stress, your system shuts down and you feel numb.

We move through these states all day long. The good news: we can help each other return to calm.

What is co-regulation?

Co-regulation means your nervous system calms down through the presence of someone who sends out safe signals.

  • A softer gaze.
  • A warm voice.
  • A calm presence.

Your body reads this as: it’s safe, you can relax.

We learn this from birth. A baby cannot calm itself yet but finds comfort in the arms of a parent. Even as adults, we still need this: safety arises in connection.

And what is self-regulation?

Self-regulation is the ability to notice tension within yourself and bring it back to calm. This can be done through breathing, relaxation, or small habits that help your nervous system switch.

Important to know: self-regulation develops out of co-regulation.

First, we experience in connection what safety feels like. Then we learn to call up that feeling on our own.
So it’s not either-or, but both-and.

Why this is so healthy

Calm and safety are not luxuries, but necessities. Research shows that:

  • Good relationships are one of the strongest predictors of a long and healthy life.
  • Loneliness overloads our stress system and increases the risk of cardiovascular disease, depression, and premature death.
  • Co- and self-regulation lower stress hormones, stabilize heart rate and blood pressure, and strengthen our immune system.

So calming together is not only pleasant, it’s a powerful health boost.

5 exercises for more calm

1. Breathing together
Sit side by side. Breathe in and out calmly, and sync your breathing rhythm with the other.
👉 After a few minutes, close your eyes and continue on your own.

2. The 4-6 breathing

  • Inhale through your nose for 4 counts.
  • Exhale slowly through your mouth for 6 counts.
    👉 Repeat 5 times and feel your system relax.

3. Heart breathing
Place your hand on your heart. Breathe a little deeper and imagine breathing in and out through your heart.
👉 Think of someone or something you are grateful for.

4. Safe place visualization
Close your eyes and imagine a place where you feel completely safe.
👉 Keep breathing calmly and let your body absorb that feeling.

5. Touch and presence
If it feels right: place a hand on each other’s arm or shoulder. Breathe together calmly.
👉 Sometimes silence says more than a thousand words.

Bonus: micro-exercises (30 seconds)

No time? Try one of these mini-exercises:

  • Sigh with intention: breathe in deeply and let it out with a long sigh. Repeat twice.
  • Eye scan: slowly move your eyes from left to right. This calms your nervous system.
  • Mini-grounding: feel your feet firmly on the ground. Take one deep breath in and out.
  • Micro-co-regulation: make brief eye contact with someone you trust and smile.

Sometimes half a minute is enough to reset.

The dance between together and alone

We live in a world that often emphasizes self-reliance. But regulation doesn’t happen in isolation.
Sometimes you need another person to feel safe.
Sometimes you can do it yourself, by guiding your breath or attention.
And often it’s a dance: first together, then alone – and back together again.

✨ In conclusion
Stress is part of life. But so are calm and safety – and we find them both within ourselves and with each other.
So the next time you feel tension:

  • Seek out someone who calms you,
  • Or use a (micro)exercise to find your own calm.

Because one thing is certain: you never regulate entirely on your own.

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